Synæsthesia
by Aisling-Siobhan
Summary: Sometimes people have bad days. Sometimes people feel too much and the excess spills out of their eyes as tears. For some people, that happens while reading a book, or watching TV, or visiting family. For Tony Stark it happened while he was face down on a bed, getting fucked hard and fast by Loki, who was almost his lover without the love part.


This is for Sunnie on Tumblr, who requested  post/33820059148/prompt

"**Synæsthesia**"

**Disclaimer: ** Avengers, Thor, Loki, etc belong to Marvel, Stan Lee, et co. I make

no money from this and own nothing, don't sue.

**Summary: **Sometimes people have bad days. Sometimes people feel too much and the excess spills out of their eyes as tears. For some people, that happens while reading a book, or watching TV, or visiting family. For Tony Stark it happened while he was face down on a bed, getting fucked hard and fast by Loki, who was almost his lover without the love part.

**Warnings:** Frostiron. Rough sex. Tumblr prompt. Hints of non-con. Crying during sex. Loki is mean. But not heartless. Loki is also confused. Bottom!Tony.

**Rating: ** NC-17.

**A/N**: For Sunnie on Tumblr. The prompt was: Loki and Tony have sex on a regular basis. This is not love, Tony knows it. He really, really knows it. But for some odd reason, it is hard to stay away from Loki. Their sex is always rough and Tony loves it - until today. Today, everything is different. And when Loki penetrates him hard and shoves his face on the bed, Tony cries. Tony cries and shakes and he doesn't even know why - and neither does Loki, who freaks out when he realizes what is going on.

**Title:** Just a note, sometimes when people are overly stimulated or stressed, or emotionally aroused for long periods of time, it results in bursts of negative emotion, such as crying, or listlessness, etc. _Synæsthesia_ is a neurological phenomenon in which stimulation of one sensory or cognitive pathway leads to automatic, involuntary experiences in a second sensory or cognitive pathway.

_XXX_

**Words****:** 4,000

**Chapter 1**

Everyone had bad days sometimes. It was just the way the world worked. A giant set of cosmic scales that tipped people higher and lower depending on how heavy the other side was. But Tony usually found himself on a high, which was great, because his lows always involved supervillains and billions of dollars of property damage and threats to his life.

Today was no different. It was a bad day, and it did involve a villain threatening to kill him and then bringing down a few buildings on his head when the more hands on approach failed to get the job done. But at least there was consolatory pizza with the rest of the Avengers to look forward to and then the usual bout of angry 'sorry I tried to help some guy kill you' sex with Loki (who was one of those aforementioned supervillains). Tony could get through the bad days - without turning to a bottle - if there was something to look forward to at the end of it all. Pizza and sex, what more could a guy need after getting his ass kicked? Other than some beer maybe, Tony thought to himself, grabbing a bottle out of the fridge as he walked by; stuffing his slice of pizza into his mouth whole to freeze up a hand so that he could pop the top.

The pizza was good. Actually the pizza was great. But the sex was always better.

There was just something about getting down and dirty with New York's resident psycho that did it for Tony. Maybe it was the fact that Loki was hated by the other Avengers, maybe Tony took some kind of guilty pleasure in that, or in seeing Thor's face after he caught Loki leaving Tony's bedroom and knowing that the Gods still didn't speak to one another. Maybe it had something to do with the thrill he got fighting crime, the same rush of pleasure and danger and fear through his veins and tingling up his spine whenever Loki backed him up against a wall. The adrenaline, the rush and then the crash afterwards; the limpness of his limbs, the heaviness of his head as he sank belly-first onto the mattress with Loki's weight behind him, above him, pinning him. In danger, trapped, but still safe because Loki hadn't _really_ hurt him yet.

Loki did hurt him though. Loki hurt him really well. The good kind of hurt where Tony found it hard to sit properly for days afterwards, wincing every time he shifted in his seat. Or where his legs ached from being pushed over Loki's shoulders for too long, or the stiffness of his arms from behind bound above his head or behind his back and once over his face so he couldn't see anything, which had been equal parts thrilling and terrifying. The bruises that generally covered his body the next day (and two more days after that) were marks Tony wore with pleasure, the same went for the bite marks along his throat and collarbones: low cut v-neck tops worn purposely to show them off, sly grins and teasing winks shot at any Avenger who asked after his bed partner, the sudden smug feeling he got when Thor met his eyes, the only one who knew that Loki preferred Tony over them all (even his kin) and Tony knew Thor wouldn't ever tell, because he wasn't quite sure who the argr one was and he'd rather not think of either that way.

Loki hurt him when they fought too, keeping up appearances because no matter how many times Tony casually suggested it, Loki refused to abstain from evil-doing. Apparently, he was just too good at it. Such talent should never be wasted, Loki had said, smirking, before he had kissed Tony breathless. They didn't care enough about each other to really try and force allegiance. It was all in good fun, and Loki had cut down on the killing people thing and Tony hadn't created anymore magic-blocking handcuffs so they considered themselves even enough.

Maybe if Tony actually saw himself settling down and getting married (or civil partnered, or whatever they did up in Asgard), he'd be a little more concerned about wanting Loki to settle down, but he had never been into marriage or forever afters. Just ask Pepper; he used to run at the casual-est of mentions.

As it was, what they had was good for him, for both of them. Tony liked it when Loki fucked him and Tony loved it when Loki hurt him and Loki liked to hurt him so it was A-pluses all around. Loki had his own life, blowing shit up or whatever, and Tony had inventions to invent and board meetings to fall asleep during and Avengers press conferences to apologize during because somehow it was always his fault that buildings needed to be repaired. Maybe that was because he was the only one who could afford to repair it (other than Thor who seemed to enjoy smashing things and probably couldn't be trusted to fix stuff instead). Tony snorted at that thought, sneaking another slice of pizza from the table as he made his way from the kitchen, around the couches, and over to the door.

"Calling it a night, guys! Eat up and show yourselves out." This was Tony's floor. He didn't mind having the guys (and girl) over, but he also enjoyed a good fuck bent over the back of the couch, so unless he felt like getting arrested Tony wasn't in the mood to do that in front of an audience.

Loki was waiting for him in his room when Tony got there. As he closed and locked the door, Loki flicked his wrist and stripped them both of their clothes with magic.

"Got this for you," Tony offered as he handed over the slice. "But since you're not going to eat it..." He trailed off. Tony grinned at the raised eyebrow Loki offered him, before taking a bite from the pizza. He crawled up onto the bed, pizza in one hand and beer in the other and seated himself on his haunches at Loki's feet.

The God was spread flat along the bed, hands folded casually behind his head again and feet pointed toes first, almost touching Tony's half-hard cock. His hair was spread across the pillow, dark and soft and Tony wanted to lean forward and run his fingers through the strands, but they were greasy from the pizza and Loki'd probably cut them off if he dared.

"I hunger for something a little... more fulfilling, Stark," Loki drawled. As he spoke, his eyes raked along Tony's form, making the mortal shiver in anticipation. "Hurry your food, pet." Tony stuffed what remained into his mouth and swallowed without chewing. For a second he thought he'd choke, but then one of Loki's feet stroked lightly under his sac and Tony gasped, forcing himself to swallow if only so he could moan obscenely.

The beer was dropped to the floor over the side of the bed, half-full but it could be cleaned up tomorrow. Tony didn't have the will power to care about it then, more interested in what Loki's next order would be.

"Hands behind your back." Tony complied soundlessly, locking his fingers behind his back after twisting his wrists so that his arms made the infinity symbol. Rope magically wound its way up his arms, down to his wrists and hands, and even around his shoulders to draw tight across his throat. "Lean back now, pet." Tony bent backwards, slowly and carefully, not wanting to tumble off the edge of the bed. Loki moved to kneel beside him, pushing him further back with one insistent hand on Tony's arc reactor. His chest was heaving, anticipation and arousal flooding through his veins, as strong as the fear that made his heart rest as Loki kept pressing him down until he was flat out on the bed between his own bent and spread legs, his hands trapped beneath him.

A lone finger trailed circles around Tony's belly button; Loki's naturally colder body temperature against his heated skin made Tony shiver, goosebumps springing up all along the flesh of his stomach. He whined, low and needy, like a dog begging for a treat and Loki rewarded him with a firmer stroke of that same finger. It dipped into his navel and out again, down to trail through the hair at his crotch and back up to run circles around his right nipple and Tony moaned for more as a blunt nail scratched him lightly, making his back arch up into the touch.

"Silence yourself, pet," Loki whispered as he lent down to blow across the other nipple.

With no hands free to stuff into his mouth and no pillow beneath his head to attempt to turn towards, Tony was forced to bite his bottom lip. He tried to stifle his moans as directed, but it was hard to want to since he knew how much Loki loved listening to him wail and beg beneath him. But Loki also loved being obeyed, and he was that much rougher when Tony managed to keep silent long enough to satisfy his own desires. So Tony bit his bottom lip until it bled, and when Loki lent down to lick the blood away, Tony bit his tongue too.

The God gave a sharp laugh, quick and brutal, and over too soon; like the finger that had suddenly forced its way into Tony's body and pulled back again when the mortal gave a cry of pain.

"Naughty," Loki chastised. "I said silence, pet." Tony's eyes were wide, and there were tears pooling at the corners, but Loki ignored it because pain was known to make eyes water, and Tony would not be in such pain for long. His hand moved to stroke Tony's cock in long, sure strokes, his palm curled fully around the length. "Tell me you want this," Loki demanded, but when Tony opened his mouth to answer, in reminder of his previous request for silence, Loki squeezed his cock warningly.

Tony snapped his mouth shut again, closing his eyes and breathing deeply through his nose as he tried to control the sudden urge to plead: for more or for it to stop he wasn't sure, normally he'd beg for more, but today something wasn't right. He had to keep his eyes closed while Loki prepared him, because otherwise he was afraid that he might start to cry. Why, Tony didn't know; but he could feel the burning in his eyes, the tension at the edges of his forehead and the way his chest kept heaving and stuttering as he tried to breathe.

"Up, pet," Loki whispered, hands suddenly on Tony's shoulders. He pulled the mortal to his knees, and held him there with his arms still bound behind his back, balanced on bended knees with his thighs spread wide. A hand pushed at the hollow between his shoulder blades, forcing Tony to bend forward until he was face down on the mattress with his legs still bent. It was uncomfortable, but nothing they hadn't done before, and Tony knew that once Loki was inside of him, once Loki was lost to the feel of him, he'd pull Tony back up so that he was sitting in Loki's lap, riding them both to completion, and he'd unbind Tony's hands so one could tangle into Loki's hair as the God mouthed at Tony's throat and the other would fist over Loki's hand, over Tony's cock until they came together.

This was nothing new. This was nothing frightening. But today must have been one of those bad days, but the kind that no one bothered to warn people about or show on TV or talk about on subways since Tony had no fucking clue what was wrong with him, because today when Loki moved to kneel behind Tony, Tony suddenly realised that he couldn't breathe. There was no air, he had no lungs; there was just Loki on top of him, Loki's cock against his hole and Tony unable to resist him. He wanted to shout stop, wanted to take a minute to figure out what the hell he was panicking over because dammit there was _nothing_ to panic over, but when he opened his mouth all that came out was a feeble, "uuuh".

"I said _silence_," Loki barked, accompanied by a slap across Tony's left butt cheek. "Do not make me repeat myself again, pet," the God threatened. There was no menace in it, and nothing would happen, except Loki might leave Tony there tied up and hard and needy while he went to sleep beside him. But the words were accompanied by the press of Loki's cock, the slow spread of his muscles around the head and then one quick thrust to bury his full length inside without warning. And Tony screamed.

"**Silent**!" Loki slapped him again; this time it was little more than a tap at the head of Tony's cock, but it made him jump back as if in agony and he cried out in fear. Panicked, garbled words escaped from his mouth and his shoulders shook, bucking beneath the hand Loki moved to press him back down.

Loki wasn't sure what to do or what was going on. This had never happened before, and when Tony said no it was generally accompanied by his hands pulling Loki closer, or one of those smirks that just begged to be wiped off of his face. Tony had never said no to Loki and meant it before, and even when he meant it he didn't say no. More often than not he said, "go fuck yourself" and had Jarvis threaten to show Loki the way out. But this... Loki didn't know what to do with this.

"Pet?" He tried, voice soft and as calm as he could make it sound. Tony gave a whine, too much like a terrified animal for Loki to be comfortable with, and though Tony stopped trembling and babbling, Loki knew it was time he too stopped. "Tony? What's the matter?" The God was careful and gentle as he pulled out of the other; quickly releasing the bindings on his arms and throat, and helping Tony back up onto his knees.

The mortal didn't seem to be able to support himself, and he fell to his side the second Loki let him go; curled with his legs back against his chest but with his arms around them this time. He hid his face, but not fast enough for Loki to miss the tears that stained it, or the fact that his eyes were still wet and his lip was bloody from biting it.

"Sorry! Sorry!" Tony mumbled into his arm. He wasn't even sure why he was crying. He was fine, he was! Loki hadn't hurt him or forced him, and they had done this plenty of times before: this was the way they did it, this was always how they did it. Nothing had changed. Except it had, because today was too much, too fast and while usually Tony was into that, today he wanted things slower and he hadn't known how to ask for it. He hadn't known what he wanted, he still didn't, and because he couldn't think of what to say, what to ask, Tony cried.

"Sorry," he stuttered again through his tears.

Loki was quick to lie down in front of him, on his side as well and facing the human. Hands were slower about reaching out, wanting to touch his lover but not wanting to frighten him further. When they were finally touching, Tony was the one to shuffle closer, burrowing into Loki's chest in a way he never had before, an ear pressed closely to hear Loki's heart beating anxiously away. Tony's own was as bad; it almost felt like it would explode at any second, so hard did it pound beside the arc reactor, but Loki's arms around him calmed it down. They stopped his tears, and slowed his breathing, and wasn't that stupid because it was Loki's touch that had panicked him in the first place!

"What just happened?" Loki's voice was soft, hesitant. He was almost afraid of the answer, because surely it could bode for nothing well. He was not a rapist, and yet that was how Tony had reacted to his touch; he had always hurt his lover, but Tony had always enjoyed it, had never been truly hurt, and yet he had screamed this time, trembled and cried and tried to escape and Loki didn't know why or what he had done wrong. But he was very afraid that he _had_ done wrong, and that as always Loki had ruined everything that was good in his life.

"Nothing. It's stupid." Tony didn't pull away from Loki's chest before he spoke, so the God could feel each movement of Tony's mouth against his bare skin. He tried not to shudder, but he couldn't deny it was arousing. The feel of Tony pressed fully against him was arousing. It was new and comforting, and something he hadn't even realised he'd wanted; the intimacy, the closeness, the trust. Loki enjoyed it as much as the control Tony let him have, and it was doing wonders to renew the erection that Tony's panic had wilted. "I don't even know why I was crying." Tony gave a half-hearted shrug, voice sullen and bitter, angry at himself for whatever stupid reason had made him react like that.

"It's not stupid." Loki chided, "You were frightened. I should have realised."

Tony snorted, pulling back enough so that Loki could see him roll his eyes. "I didn't know I was frightened. How were you supposed to know? God I'm pathetic."

"No you aren't," Loki was quick to reassure.

For a couple who insisted they used the other solely for sex, they felt more for the other than they could admit to. They were too quick to comfort; too quick to reassure that their fears weren't stupid, that dreams were possible; to insist the other was welcome to watch them work or read silently beside them. Perhaps they felt too much and that was the problem? Maybe it had overwhelmed him, or maybe it had underwhelmed him, because what if he felt too much and Loki not enough and Tony was too invested in the answer to ask?

"Are you alright now?" Loki asked. He reached one hand up to run his fingers lightly under each of Tony's eyes, one at a time, wiping away the tears. After wiping the wetness onto the sheets beside him, Loki used his hand to cup Tony's cheek, holding the other's face so that he couldn't turn away.

"Yeah," Tony mumbled. He still trembled lightly, fingers curled into fists to keep them still, but he no longer felt like there was an anvil sitting on his chest and his heart no longer pounded with terror in his chest. "I think I'm fine. Sorry again. What a way to kill the mood, huh?" He chuckled, grinning up at Loki who smiled fondly back at him.

"What do you want me to do?" The God didn't know what to do, and he doubted Tony understood much better than he had what had gone wrong, but he knew he should do something. Maybe he could hold the mortal, continue to enjoy the closeness that he had only just discovered existed between them? Maybe Tony would want to have sex with him anyway, but slower, gentler, spooned together with Tony curled in his arms? Maybe Tony would ask him how Loki felt about him, and force Loki to admit to feelings that he wasn't even sure he felt, because Loki wanted to know how Tony felt and didn't want to be the one to ask, and if Tony asked then Tony had to answer too.

But Tony did none of those things, he asked for nothing that Loki would have expected. Instead, smiling shyly, Tony closed his eyes before he whispered, "Talk to me?"

"About what?" Loki asked, sounding confused and looking rather stunned.

"Anything. Asgard or somewhere else, somewhere you've been and I never will. I hardly know anything about you and it's been months!" The mortal paused, eyebrows drawing down as he frowned and Loki wanted to wipe the look off of his face. "You don't have to. S'not like we're really together or anything anyway."

"I will tell you whatever you wish to hear and I will bring you to all of the realms you wish to visit. But you are not allowed to cry again." Tony glanced up sharply, staring at Loki as if weighing his words against his expression and smiled, deciding they were sincere. "I find I do not like it when you cry."

"No more crying, deal," Tony agreed easily as he darted forward for a quick kiss, pecking Loki's lips and pulling back as he licked his own. "Tell me, I don't know, something happy."

Loki told him of Thor's hammer and the wedding dress he had been forced to wear and how Tony might look pretty as a woman; about the time he tricked a woman into marrying him and how they looked back on it now and laughed for she was kind and forgiving but how Loki preferred Tony's wit and intelligence to that; of Loki's female form and his blue skin that he refused to show anyone and how his favourite colour was the blue of Tony's arc reactor despite his aversion to blue anything else; about Thor's banishment from Asgard and Loki's schemes and Tony had murmured his approval because if you couldn't beat them join them and then beat them.

When Loki's throat began to hurt, he stopped speaking. In that silence, there was nothing but them, with arms around one another and Tony's face pressed to Loki's neck and skin covered in goosebumps from the cold. Until Tony asked, "will you go out with me?"

"Now?"

"Well, no, but sometime soon. You know, on a date? You could be my boyfriend," Tony wiggled his eyebrows as he spoke, teasing to mask his nervousness.

"I thought I already was," Loki said simply. He pressed a kiss to Tony's forehead and sighed, "I've never been anyone's boyfriend before, so maybe I was doing it wrong."

"You're doing pretty alright." Tony grinned widely. So Loki liked it rough and he liked to be in control and they didn't hold hands or go for walks in the park, but Tony liked it rough and maybe they could do all that couple-stuff now that the words were out there and everything was official, and they could tell the other Avengers that they were together and laugh at the look on Thor's face as he tried to figure out who bottomed and defend each other from Clint who was certain to react badly. It had gotten too much for Tony, the actions and emotions and desires, the secrecy and the hurt and the fear, but now that it was all in the open, that they had acknowledged it, it no longer felt so overwhelming. There wasn't too much of it, nor too little, but just enough to start something with. Eventually, there would be more, but they'd take it slow, work themselves up to the really compromising emotions, and hopefully not cry because of it. Until then though: "I'm still taking you on a date."

"I would like that," Loki conceded, smiling softly.

They'd hold hands as they walked in the park, eat a hot dog or too and maybe Tony would hold the doors open for Loki just to see the disgusted look on his face. It would be good, and they'd feel good, and what they'd have would be stronger than before, more honest. Real.

"Great."

**The End**

I really don't like the end of this. It took me a weekend just to finish it off because I couldn't write it in a way I liked. Sigh. I really should have been studying instead.


End file.
